The Origins of You by Vienna Pharaon

Author:Vienna Pharaon [Pharaon, Vienna]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2023-02-21T00:00:00+00:00

Healing the Trust Wound

Learning to trust yourself and others again is a big undertaking. Angelica was brave enough to try this with her partner. Naming and sharing her trust wound with him was the first step. Letting herself feel the depth of her family’s deceit and the impact it had on her was also important. This needed to happen if she had any hope of getting to a place where she could replace her distrust with a pivot.

Eventually, instead of snooping, she would choose to share with her partner that she wanted to snoop because she was feeling unsure about something—and then she’d ask for clarity or assurance on that issue. Instead of tracking him on the app, she would text him and ask him where he was. Then she’d practice believing it. After all, he’d never given her a reason not to.

Once we’d identified Natasha’s trust wound, she gradually came to realize that she didn’t have to carry it on her own anymore. She had shared it with me, which made it a little bit lighter. And soon she would choose to share the secret with Clyde. This was a vulnerable decision, one that in itself revealed a high level of trust in Clyde. Natasha was taking a risk. She was stepping into the unknown. The more someone knows about you, the more they can hurt you, right? This question had rattled around in her mind for weeks.

“He’ll know my most vulnerable area,” she said.

“That’s true,” I replied. “We don’t know what Clyde will do with this information. We don’t know how he’ll respond. But the fact that there’s a part of you that’s willing to share this with him tells me that some part of you believes he can hold it. That he can honor what you’re telling him. It tells me that somewhere inside of you, you believe that sharing this with him will improve something for you and the relationship. If you didn’t see any benefit, I don’t think you’d be doing this.”

The words struck a chord. Natasha had finally healed enough to step out of the role of being the keeper of her father’s secret. This secret had guided her life and relationships in such significant ways, and she was ready to release herself from its control. Telling Clyde was her attempt to restore and strengthen trust instead of avoiding being hurt and engaging in sabotage.

She was fortunate to have a partner who cared deeply. When she let Clyde in and shared her secret, they became a stronger team. She successfully replaced sabotage with communication and enlisted Clyde’s help in continuing to establish more trust. This was incredibly healing for Natasha. She began to replace the story she had held so close to her heart about men, about those closest to her, and about the betrayal that happens in intimate relationships. It was a beautiful process to watch.

This practice obviously works only when you have an honest partner or friend who is willing to participate in rebuilding this with you.

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